‘Please Don’t Believe in Me …’

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‘… because seriously, it would be so much easier that way.

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The drums of negative self-belief could keep beating. My heart could stay caged.

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The comfort zone of all I have ever seen could remain securely in my surrounds.

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I wouldn’t have to step even a toe through that grating, uncomfortable barrier that has been gripping me so tightly.

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I could continue to avoid confronting what has kept me here…

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…in this place of “I can’t” and “I don’t deserve”.

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I can dodge the pain that comes with asking “Why?”

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I could continue to feel as though all is right when I stay small.

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I could avoid the fight.

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But ya know, I can’t do any of that, when you take my hand and walk me to the land of believing.

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When you gently and magically clear the dust and show me what could be.

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When you matter-of-factly show me what I could do. How I could feel. What I deserve.

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When you tell me you think I can.

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These notions fill my mind with crazy ideas of…

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Hope.

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Belief.

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Pride.

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How about..

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Confidence?

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Strength?

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Capability?

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I have only started feeling these things since starting my passion, ballet. •

And more intensely since going to Studio Tibor and getting such amazing ballet/therapy and lessons in confidence from Julia and Vadym.

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And now, as I stare down the barrel of facing that internal dialogue, this crap just gets louder and louder.

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I know I have to move through them all. And I will. And it will be a sublime day when I reach the other side.

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I want to thank my teachers and all you wonderful amazing adult dancers, and people chasing other dreams and passions out there, to know that I am so intensely inspired by each of you.

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Whether you relate to my self-belief journey or not, doesn’t matter to me.

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I read and hear your journeys and they fill me up with such admiration. You give me a sense of tangible possibility.

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“If they can, I can!”

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And someday I want to say to others, “If I did, you can too.”

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Z xxx’

I Wish You Support

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Someone asked me today, ‘Do you have support?’ I’m lucky that I could say yes. An absolute, unequivocal YES!

My family and friends who support me are angels.

It’s not easy to support a chronically ill person. I get that. It’s hard to see someone you love hurt, weak etc. And it can be physically and emotionally hard to help or even just watch someone you love be chronically ill.

My support family make my life bearable. That sometimes we can laugh about some pretty serious issues, and at other times come together and find a solution to a problem we never thought we’d solve, as if pulling a solution out of a magicians hat, is remarkable to me.

My support team are my soft place to land. They are my reminders that there are good times ahead.

They are my ‘I can’ when every part of me is screaming ‘I can’t’. Thank you, support team. I love you now. I will love you forever. And even though sometimes it’s hard to see, I am appreciative of every second that you make me feel worthwhile of care and love.

My wish for everyone with a chronic illness, or fighting a battle – any battle, is that you either have your support family already, or you find one, because you deserve one — and you can add me to it if you wish!

Here’s to our support saviours. Our earth angels!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Tag someone who is a support angel for you.)

Photos: A big part of my support crew…

A Little Thought I Had

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Just wanted to say…

You are so worth every bit of luscious love and care you can muster up and give to yourself. You are you. And that is gorgeously right. 🙂

It is so important that we take the time to think about what satisfies us in life.

At some point our journeys are most definitely going to end. Not much we can do about that. But we can do quite a bit to create satisfaction while our journeys are still operational!

Take the time to ask yourself if you are happy with how things are, and if you are not, then ask yourself if there is anything you can do to change that. There may be some tiny little moment in your day that you can tweak that will make all the difference. Or you may realise that you want to make drastic changes.

Make sure you are giving yourself the best chance at happiness. Make sure you are choosing for you.

I don’t mean this in a fluffy, life-can-be perfect-if-you-just-think-positively-enough, kind of way. But I do believe we are all making choices every single day that have results one way of the other. Whether they are small or big, they are still our own choices to make.

On another note, I’m looking so forward to seeing my new physiotherapist this Saturday and hearing his plan to use ballet as physio rehab for me. SO excited.

✌🏼❤️

So I Did This Ballet Thing

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So yesterday I was doing my usual VERY limited ballet/physio routine, basically just tendus: one to front, one to side, one to back – then repeat on the other side. But I added some developpe-ish moves to the end of my session.

I happened to be recording that ballet/physio session, and when I looked back at the video I was so happy because I’d just done something that I thought would take years to be able to do.

(video is at bottom of post)

And when I think about uploading the video to share my celebration with others, I get an all too familiar interruption to my joy. Because, unfortunately, there is a huge disparity between the amount of people who understand chronic pain and the amount of people who, despite having zero understanding of chronic pain, feel that they know what people with chronic pain should and should not do and they need to share their based-on-nothing opinions with people who have chronic pain.

But here’s the thing, chronic pain sufferers have lived with pain for a long time. Hence the word chronic. And when you have something chronically, you learn to adapt.

So I’ve learned to do things in spite of my pain.

The kind of comments I will get after doing those extra movements, for instance, will be:

“You must be in less pain to be able to do that?”

“I thought you were in pain?”

“It’s good to see your pain has gone away.”

And then later that might or the next day, if I’m feeling pain FROM ANYTHING, those people like to pop out one of an assortment of these crackers:

“Well, what did you expect when you did that extreme move earlier?”

“Well, you’ve learned your lesson now, haven’t you?”

“I suppose you won’t be doing that again, will you?”

And all that crap ruins the moment for me.

So listen up dudes — all I want to do is celebrate the fact that, IN SPITE OF MY PAIN, I just pulled off a movement that I didn’t think I’d be able to do for years.

So please, come on guys. Come and celebrate with me!

*note: I actually didn’t experience any pain from doing my developpe-ish moves.

*note 2.0: I did get a shitload of pain from showering and getting dressed today, though.

Video …

❤️

Remember to like this post.

Share, if you loved it or relate to it or want to explain chronic pain to your friends.

And follow me on all my socials which are listed over there ————–>

See ya later, beautifuls,

Z.

Strength & Point Video

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Here’s a little video of me doing some recent strength and point practice. Pretty boring stuff, but I’m just trying to keep doing things.

Have an absolutely AWFUL chest flu right now, so being able to pop up some posts and videos etc. is a lovely thing to be able to do.

Here’s the link to the video:

Share or like if you enjoyed it.

Love and laughter,

Zoe xxx

Pens and Patterns

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I’ve decided to turn the negative, of not being able to do much at all currently without ending up in hospital, into a positive by seeing it as time I can go back to drawing my mandalas and other random doodlings.

I’m proud of myself for using this mindset — and I’m very excited about how relaxing it makes me feel when I do it.

I will still have to pace myself with my drawing, just like everything else in my life, so each mandala will take a long time to complete. But I’m becoming more comfortable with that.

I’d even go so far as to say that the process of drawing my mandalas has helped me in finding acceptance of my current situation. Something I never thought I’d find.

When I say ‘acceptance’, I mean acceptance of the years of struggle I’ve fought through what felt like a hopeless battle AND the ongoing experiences, that I wouldn’t believe could even happen to a person unless I hadn’t experienced them myself. (So yes,I do understand why people don’t believe other people who have invisible illnesses).

Anyway, I didn’t set out to write such a long post, cause you know, I’m not actually supposed to be doing anything for this long. But I wanted to let you know that there is more to me diving back into pencils, pens and patterns that just pencils, pens, and patterns.

Did I mention that drawing mandalas and patterns is another passion of mine? Well, it is. 😊

Hope y’all have some beautiful moments each day … or week … or month … or … no, I’m just gonna leave it there.

Anyway, happy passioning!

Sending love

Zoe xxx

Hi

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Hey there, every blog needs that first break-the-ice post, so I’m putting out this super awkward itty bitty post, to get that first one out of the way.

The next one will be better.

I promise 😉👍🏼